Dear Sofia Vergara,
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your nuptials last weekend to
my man Joe Manganiello. To be honest, I can’t pronounce his last name nor do I have time to write it out so we’ll just call him “Joe Fine” throughout this open letter (cause he’s fine as all get out). Anywho….
When pictures started to surface of your 4 day destination wedding in Palm Beach, Florida I was super excited because I think that you’re absolutely Gorge! Not Gorgeous… Gorge! I cannot even finish the word cause I done fainted in the middle of it! Because I am a wedding photographer based in Los Angeles I noticed that every picture I saw didn’t have professional lighting. In my mind I thought “Hmmmm, don’t tell me that the Professional Photographer missed a lot of these shots?” What is his/her name? Let me at em’. You see Sofia? Even though you married
my man Joe Fine, I still care about you and your day! Sisterhood! (La Hermanadad)
Tonight while watching Dish Nation they mentioned that you did a lot of things in your wedding that was untraditional. I’m like Whoo Hoo! I’m all for untraditional! If I saw traditional on the street it might get shanked. I’m gangsta like that Sofia. I AM…
The commentators said, “Sofia is so traditional she didn’t have bridesmaids” I was like alright! Unique!
“Sofia had her son Manolo walk her down the aisle” I was like “AYYYYEEEE QUE LINDO!!!!!”
Then they said, “Sofia didn’t even have a professional wedding photographer”
Wait a minute Sofia? Wait a cotton pickin’ minute Sofía! Sofía Margarita Vergara Vergara (yes Vergara x2) . Yes I said your whole name! Why did you NOT have a wedding photographer?!!!! How did this happen? Sofia have you not seen yourself in the mirror? Have you not seen your new hubby Joe Fine? You both are beautiful! God was in the business of breaking molds when he made you both. Did you NOT watch True Blood or Magic Mike XL? His chest glistens for no reason. None at all…
I’m trying to get into your beautiful head on this one. Make me understand porque No comprendo. Are you so used to the paparazzi that you thought they would be there to fill in the gap? Your teeth are so white did you think that would be reflection enough for these smart phone pics? All your details were amazing! That dress you wore was exquisite! You looked amazing! Your hair was flawless and your bouquet looked like it came out of Jesus’ garden.
He’s looking straight at me in this picture. You see? Don’t hate the player Sofia, Hate the game!
All in all, I guess I’m hurt Sofia. I’m gonna tell Jay (Chay) on you. I was available this weekend. I’ve done plenty of destination weddings and you could have called me to shoot your wedding. I was raised in Florida! I was made for this! You could have paid me by allowing me to stare at Joe Fine without repercussion. Also, You think I would refuse hanging out with the happy couple, Channing Tatum, Pitbull and the entire cast from Modern Family? Nope I’m not ashamed of my disease of FanGirl. UNASHAMED but still Professional.
So Sofía, you may have had your own reasons for not doing professional photos. Just in case you change your mind, I’m extending this offer to you. If you want a portrait session with your wedding attire I can do that for you. During the shoot I may have to cuddle with Joe shirtless. It’s part of my creative process. Don’t question the artist in me, that’s how I work.
On the real, Congrats to Sofía and Joe!
Llamamé (Call me)
Joe I mean Sofia! (darn autocorrect!)